Nickelodeon’s Doug (Lost Episode)
Do you remember that show Doug that use to be on Nickelodeon? I’m pretty sure you won’t remember it, personally I had completely forgotten about until just the other day. I do recall that I liked the show, it was a great program and it won a lots of awards for being a ground breaking bit of animation in the industry of animation, surprising then that nobody remember it though. I often wonder back on all those great shows we all grew up with and wonder why it is that shows these days are so crappy. I suppose it could be that all shows are only as good as the person watching them thinks they are. Perhaps as a child I was just dumb enough to like the shit that was on the TV at the time. But now that I’m an adult I’ve grown cynical and I think everything is garbage. Shows now may be better than the ones I grew up with, probably not. No matter what your views on the subject, the world is fucked and we’re all to blame for it. If only we’d stopped clowning around long enough to see the great danger we’d put ourselves in. Clowning around, like a bunch of clowns, clowny clown clowns. Clowning, remember that for later, not that it will do you any good at this point. I was cleaning out the attic the other day when I found an old VHS tape up in the attic. The tape had no label but someone had written sloppily on the side with a White-Out marker “Doug Episode 9.5” I got excite when I saw the tape because it was at that moment I remembered that Jim Jinkins, the man who created Doug had once lived in the house where I now live. Was this some long lost episode of Doug never aired on Nickelodeon? I ran down stairs and got ready to put the VHS into my VCR, but then I discover to my horror that I didn’t have a VCR! It was a Laser Disk Player! I became frantic and started slapping myself in the back of the head in an autistic fit of rage, how was I supposed to watch the lost episode of my favorite TV show Doug if all I had was a machine that played an antiquated media that only a handful of people owned? I needed a VHS player! I had all but decided that life no longer had any meaning and accept the hand fate had dealt me. My life was officially over, no woman would ever want to have sex with a man who owned a Laser Disk play but no VCR! The other kids at school would beat me up and call me a little pussy queer. I would grow old and become a hobo, the kind of hobo that other hobos anally rape. I would die alone in an alleyway, a decrepit hobo drenched in Old Crow whiskey, vomit and my own urine. I consign myself to the fact I would never get to watch this great television program, a lost episode of what many, myself included, consider to be the greatest show known to man, Nickelodeon’s Doug… You know, I always fucking hated that show I mean it was for babies! I watch mature adult programs like Everybody Hates Droopy Dog, Bill Cosby Sells his Soul for Pudding, A Very Harvey Weinstein Christmas and Who Made the Potato Salad? Starring Jaleel White as well as the sequel Garfield Eats all the Potato Salad. For those of you who are unaware the show is about a boy name Doug, off of the title of the show who learns about growing up. While some kids like the show everyone hates it because of how whiny the protagonist was, he threw a tantrum most of the time to solve his problems. Basically, it wasn’t a good show at all. I was about to give up and throw the VHS tape in the fucking trash, right where it belonged, when I remembered I did in fact have a VHS player, it had been a gift from my Mexican neighbor Carlos when I first moved into the house, it had been in the closet this whole time just waiting to be plugged in! I guess there was nothing stopping me from watching this steaming pile of crap now, I’d have to watch it. Thanks a lot Carlos! I dug the VCR out of the closet and went to work, uncoiling the coax cables so I could plug it into my TV. I was about to stick my big, hard, throbbing, VHS tape into the VCR, when I stopped! I needed to pop some popcorn and make a coke root beer float if I was going to fully enjoy this lost episode. I went into the kitchen where I’d left a bowl of hot pudding boiling over on the stove, that was careless of me... I put a bag of Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn in the microwave. I pressed the popcorn button and waited patiently while the popcorn popped. I then went to the fridge and began preparing a delicious Coke root beer float. But, we didn’t have coke so I used Fanta instead. Fanta is orange, it is also the Nazi Coca-Cola. Orange and Fascists, why is that relevant? You’ll understand soon enough. At that moment I noticed something odd. I heard the theme song to Doug playing on the TV in the living room. I went back into the living room and was surprised to see that the TV was turned on and the VHS tape was playing! I didn’t remember putting it in yet, or turning the TV on! I sat down on the couch, wondering how the VHS tape could have gotten into the VCR without me putting it in. Did I just forget about it? Like the time I stuck my dick in the toaster? The episode started, the classic Doug theme song started to play with those deep meaningful lyrics, “Dooooo Dooooo Doooooooo Doooo Dooo Dooo Doooo Dooo Doooooooo Dooooo Doooooooo! Nana nan nan nana na na nana nan na nan na nanna na na nan na naaaa!” The singer sounded different than in most Doug intros, his voice had an air of sexual frustration to it, like a sex offender was singing! The song ended and title card “Doug’s Big Catch” Appeared on screen. I was very disappointed to see that this was not a lost episode, this was just episode 9 of season 1 of Doug, or so I thought. I immediately noticed something was off, the episode started with Doug saying “It really was an accident, it happened when Porkchop, Skeeter and me were practicing softball.” This was indeed episode 9, but this was the second half of the episode “Doug Needs Money.” So why had the title for Doug’s Big Catch appeared on the screen? The first thing I noticed was that the voice of Doug didn’t sound like Billy West, it sounded like someone mocking the voice of Doug, it was more high-pitched and irritating, there was also a constant warble and the voice actor was constantly stammering over lines like a nervous ninny. OK so Doug is usually nervous on the show, but this was different. This was even more fucking annoying! Then initial scene replayed with Doug repeating the dialogue but now different than before. “It really was an accident, it happened when Porkchop, Skeeter and me and me and Skeeter and Porchop and Skeeter and Porchop and I and me And Mr. Bone in my Butt and Skeeter and Me and Patty and Mis. WIngo and Me and Skeeter and Mr. Small Dink were practicing baseball.” I took note of the art style it too was slightly, off. It was that ultra-squiggly unrefined style you saw in the earliest episodes of Doug, specifically Episode 2 Doug Can’t Dance. Like in Doug Needs Money Doug is seen playing softball with Skeeter but Skeeter seems off, he seems disheveled. No, no, not disheveled that’s not the right word, he seemed disorientated. He’s rubbing his crotch with his softball glove, there was an obvious erection in his pants and a wet spot as if he’d jizzed in his underwear and done nothing about it! “Hey Doug! Bet you can’t hit this one! HONK! HONK!” Skeeter also seems even higher pitched and more irritating than the usual voice over provided by Fred Newman, once again like someone mocking the actual character voices from the show and there was a hint of sexual frustration in the way Skeeter spoke that made me feel dirty. “Uu! Ah! Uuh uh! I’m gonna knock this one out of the PuAAark!” Doug squealed. Unlike in the actual episode Doug hits the ball on the first try and sends it flying through the air where it smashes not into Mr. Dinks barbecue grill but into the grill of Mr. Dink’s car breaking it like a sheet of glass! “A fuck!” Doug screamed as his eyes went from the two tiny black specks typical of the show to two bulbous protruding eye balls drawn in a hyper realistic style. I almost turned off the episode right then and there because the eyes were so hyper realistic and scary they disturbed me.I wanted to shut the tape off I really did, but I was so shock from hearing the words “fuck” coming out of Doug’s mouth that I was frozen in place, this was supposed to be a little kids show! As soon as the grill broke on the car Skeeter dropped his glove and ran off leaving Doug alone. “Sorry Big Nose! I think I hear my mom calling me! HONK! HONK!” Skeeter called back to Doug as he disappeared down the street. This scene immediately replayed before the show progressed. “Sorry Big Nose! I think I hear my mom calling me! HONK! HONK!” Doug looked disheveled, he was choking back tears and seemed to be hyperventilating as he made his way over to Mr. Dinks front door. Sweat was pouring down Doug’s face and he seemed flushed, his cheeks were redder than what the show typically portrayed. Doug knock on the door and Mr. Dink appeared, he was wearing nothing but a pair of sweat stained underwear and you could see his flabby beer gut covered in coarse wiry hair depicted in highly graphic detail. “Hey Douglath!” He cried. “Why the long faith?” “Uuuh! Mr. Dink! I Broke your grill I’m SORRY!” Doug didn’t sound sorry at this point he sounded like he was glad he did it! “You broke my grill?” Mr. Dink said. “YOU BROKE MY GRILL!? Like in the regular episode Mr. Dink transformed into a hairy green monster. BUT, the hair that sprouted up on Mr. Dink’s body started in the groin! Course pubic hair crept up from beneath the waste ban of Mr. Dink’s underwear covering his beer belly and forming a happy trail that eventually moved over his chest and man-titties, up to his face forming a beard and over his head forming a wiry green afro. The green monste that Mr. Dink had become grabbed Doug by the right arm and tore it from the socket. Doug cried out in pain as hyper realistic blood gushed from the severed nub of his arm and puddled on the sidewalk! This was not a dream sequence like in the original episode this was really happening! Mr. Dink continued to growl angrily “YOU BROKE MY GRILL!? YOU BROKE MY GRRRRRRRRIIIIIILLLLL!!?” Doug screamed like a little bitch as he ran away from Mr. Dink's house leaving a trail of blood streaming behind him as he ran. “Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaah!” Doug’s scream was so high pitched and obnoxious I covered my ears. “Get back here you big nosed bitch!” Mr. Dink growled angrily as he dropped to the ground standing on his hairy knuckles like some monstrous green gorilla. The next scene showed Doug ducking into the Honker burger to hide from Mr. Dink, his arm had reappeared without any explanation given! But there were still blood stains on his shirt and shorts. Doug dropped down on all fours on crawled over the restaurant floor on his hands and knees as the other kids in the restaurant pointed and laughed at him. The floor of the Honker Burger was filthy, the artist had gone to painstaking lengths to draw discarded French fries burger wrappers, onions, mustard ketchup and mayonnaise stains. At least I thought they were mayonnaise stains until I saw the trail of sticky white fluid leading across the floor to where a use condom lay under the table! As Doug crawled over the floor he stopped and stared down at the condom in disgust! Suddenly a hamburger patty fell from the table and landed on the condom splattering condiments from the bun and the semen from inside the condom all over Doug’s face! Doug looked like he would vomit as the white fluid flew into his mouth and landed on his tongue. Suddenly a cackle broke the air as Rodger Klotz appeared in the room. “Heeey guys! Looks like Funny really likes that patty’s mayonnaise!” Rogers’s voice was more shill and bird like than in the show sounding something like the witch from the Wizard of OZ. Everyone laugh riotously at Doug’s humiliation and potential contamination with an S.T.D. Doug was about to get up off the floor when a shadow fell over the restaurant window, the green hairy form of Mr. Dink stood outside peering into the restaurant, the other children didn’t seem to notice him standing there even though his colossal form blocked out the sun through the windows inside. Doug stayed down low trying to hide from Mr. Dink who was fogging the window with his breath as his terrible red eyes scanned the restaurant looking for Doug. Eventually Mr. Dink turned and left the restaurant walking in the other direction, in the background the sound of heave feet shaking the ground could be heard to grow fainter and fainter. The next scene shows Doug cautiously exiting the back of the restaurant his eyes darting in all directions. “Blah! Hey Funnie! Why weren’t you in school yesterday!” A voice from behind that sounded like Don Knots startled Doug causing him to leap into the air several feet off the ground with a loud squeal, the same high pitch squeal that had been stabbing at my ear drums throughout this lost episode! Doug turned around to find the school principal Mr. Bone standing there with an angry scowl on his face. “Uu! Uuu! Mr. Bone!” Doug stammered nervously. “I’m sorry I wasn’t in school but my sister made me be in one of her stupid plays!” “That excuse won’t work this time Funnie! I’ve had enough of you skipping class whenever you feel like it!” “What are you gonna do to me Mr. Bone?” “Dah! I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do!” Bone shouted waving his index finger in Doug’s face angrily, like a hormonal ape humping the leg of Droopy Dog. “I’m gonna make you sit in detention on Wednesday and listen to me yodel!” Doug seemed even more terrified by the proposition of hearing Mr. Bone yodel than he did by the green monster Dink. Sweat beaded on Doug’s face as he went white as a sheet and started shivering. His knees knocked together and I could have sworn I saw a dark spot forming in Doug’s khaki shorts, he was pissing himself with fear! “Oh no! Anything but that Mr. Bone! Don’t make me go! Not yodeling!” “Oh yes yodeling!” Bone growled with a sinister leer. “Please Mr. Bone I’ll clean the whole school for a year! I’ll scrap the gum out from under all the desks just don’t make me listen to you yodel!” A sly look appeared on Mr. Bones face. “Well Doug if that’s how you feel maybe we can come to some other arrangement.” “Whatever it is I’ll do it Mr. Bone!” “Well Doug you know my friends call me Mr. Boner!” The camera focused on Doug’s face which bore an expression of confusion. “What are you talking about Mr. B… Oh God no! That’s nasty!” Doug was obviously distracted, trailing off mid-sentence, a look of disgust and horror on his face. When at last we see Mr. Bone again there visible bulge in his pants! The lump is short and round and bears an uncanny resemblance to the bulbous noses of Doug and Mr. Bone. “Wah! Huh huh huh huh!” Mr. Bone laughs at Doug’s reaction to his obvious erection. “A little too big for ya aye Doug?” “I’m going away!” Doug shouted as he turned to run from Mr. Dink. “That’s right you’d better run you little pussy! The next time I see you I’m gonna tear your anus apart! Wah! Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!” I was starting to think this was not an actual lost episode of Doug, it seemed more like the kind of shit some kid thought was funny and put on a VHS tape. Of course I suppose, there could have been something wrong with the VCR. Still, it was strange that I found this tape in the attic of the house where Jim Jinkins use to live. Could this tape be some sort of sick fantasy of his that he didn’t want the rest of the world to see? The next scene shows Doug running down his street he passes Mr. Dinks house and Mr. Dink is standing there, he doesn’t look like a green monster he just standing there smiling as he usually did in every other episode, like nothing had happened. “Hi there Douglith!” Mr. Dink said with a friendly wave. Doug didn’t react to seeing Mr. Dink quite the way one would expect given the earlier scenes in which the monster Dink ripped Doug’s arm off and chased him into the Honker Burger. Doug ran crying toward Mr. Dink “Oh Mr. Dink I’m so glad to see you!” “What seems to be the trouble Douglith? “I was just molested by my school principal!” Doug bawled as tears streamed from his eye and a huge glob of green snot dangled from his enormous nose which was bigger than usual, swollen and red from crying no doubt. “Oh thatth nieth Douglith.” Mr. Dink said completely ignoring what Doug had just told him about Mr. Bone. “But any way Douglith, I juth bought a machine that tellth you what color the thky ith!” It was hard for me to understand what Mr. Dink had said because of his lisp but it seemed he’d bought a machine that told you what color the sky was? Mr. Dink reach into his back pocket and pulled out a small metallic cube that magically grew into a complicated computer of some sort with blinking lights and monitors. There was a pause, as Doug stared in confusion at the machine which tells you what color the sky is. “But Mr. Dink. That seems completely useless.” “Uthleth!? Will thee how uthleth it ith when you go blind from being tho poor.” Mr. Dink reached into his pocket and pulled out his Buffalo Billfold wallet and removed a 100 dollar bill. “Thereth justh a thmall fee!” Mr. Dink explained as he put the bill into the machine, the machine made a whirring noise as it put the $100 bill through a shredder sending green strips of paper shooting out of the back of the machine. The whole contraption shook violently for a few seconds as black smoke billowed from inside and sparks shot out right and left. Suddenly the machine stopped, there was that weird sound you use to get when signing into the internet with dial up. “EEEEOOOOOO! Waaah! Bunk! Bunk!” Then a robotic voice was emitted. “To-day-the-sky-is…” There was a momentary pause before the machine proclaimed “Orange!” The voice that spoke the word orange didn’t even sound like that same robotic voice the machine had begun speaking in, it sounded like a recording of some guys voice, a guy who sounded like voice over artist George Lowe. “But Mr. Dink today the sky is blue!” Doug protested. “What? Blue!?” Mr. Dink shouted angrily. “Why you goddamn dirty bucket of bolts! I want my money back!” Mr. Dink began hammering the top of the machine with the palm of his hand! “I want my money back! I want my money back!” He continued to shout, as he did so a robotic voice could be heard from inside the machine. “Owe-no-stop-you-stupid-hu-mon!” “I want my money back! I want my money…Waaaaaw!” Mr. Dink never finished what he was going to say as a mechanical arm wielding a circular saw shot out of the machine and cut the top of his head off! Highly… Highly!!! Highly realist blood and gore spewed forth from the mangled stump of Mr. Dinks lower jaw, where his teeth glistened among shreds of tattered face meat, his tongue wriggled sporadically as a coughing, hacking gargle emanated from the back of his exposed esophagus. I saw the upper portion of Mr. Dinks head, still wearing his glasses, a look of utter horror in the eyes. The head flew high into the air. The frame rate dropped moving in excruciatingly slow motion as the head tumbled over and over again in midair, sending down a rain of blood, the head eclipsed the sun for a moment before the scene re-assumed its normal speed and in a fraction of a second the head plummeted downward plopping on top of Doug’s head with a splat. “Whhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Doug screamed as he ran down the road wearing Mr. Dinks head like a bloody baseball cap! I felt anger welling up inside me. That stupid scream piercing into my ears like daggers. Fuck this show! I rose to my feet and angrily ejected this nonsensical, college prankish, Youtube poopy, retarded bootleg, diarrhea doodoo mess of a VHS tape out of my VCR and flung it under my couch! “Suck my cock!” I cried as I threw up a middle finger and flipped the bird in the direction in which the tape had flown. I know the tape was just an inanimate object and couldn’t be insulted by the gesture but I didn’t care! I was feeling extremely disgruntled as, the tape had put me into a twisted, and angry mood! I was starting to strongly dislike Nickelodeon’s Doug, more specifically I now hated Jim Jinkins, the man who created Doug. There is no, no, NO! Absolutely no, doubt in my mind that Jim Jinkins made this shitty tape as part of some twisted sex fetish. He was a peadophile! Just like Jared from Subway and Daddy Deric, that guy who made Cool Cat Rapes Some Kids. I would venture to say I hated Jim Jinkins even more than I hated Ray Romano. I vowed I would never, EVER, finish watching that accursed tape. But as is too often the case, events beyond my control forced me to do the unthinkable, and finish watching the tape... I was babysitting my nephew Jobriath when he started to complain that there was nothing to watch. I’m too poor to afford cable and my best old ex-friend Ray changed his Netflix password to stop me from leaching off his account and watching softcore smut. There was nothing else in the house to watch but that damn VHS tape, the VHS tape of Nickelodeon’s Doug. I know what you’re thinking, why would I do something so, retarder? After all I did have a LaserDisk player, why not watch something on LaserDisk? Well you smarmy ball-sack-licker, I didn’t have any LaserDisks! Not since that Japanese hobo stole my copy of Alf’s Autopsy while I was visiting my girl friend Fujiko in Down Town Kofu. Fujiko exists, she’s not an imaginary Japanese girlfriend I made up because I’m a weeaboo who fetishizes Asian women. So I stuck in the VHS tape of Doug into my VCR and me and Jobriath started to watch. I didn’t bother rewinding the tape since it was just some shit we were watching out of boredom and Jobriath is a child and all children are retarded regardless of their intelligence in relation to their age. Doug ran through the streets with Mr. Dink’s head on top of his own for about three minutes before the scene abruptly cut to a dimly lit dingy room somewhere in Bluffington. Doug’s best friend Skeeter Valentine enters the room and smiles at the camera, it was a sinister self-satisfied smile. A smile that made you feel dirty, a Harvey Weinstein smile. “I knew you’d come. Honk! Honk!” Skeeter seemed, aroused. “I’ve been waiting all day for this, waiting to feel myself inside of you! Honk! Honk!” Suddenly the scene cut to Skeeter wearing women’s underwear and having sex with an inflatable clown! “Don’t watch it!” I scream at Jobriath as I jumped for the remote, I couldn’t let my little nephew watch a pornographic cartoon my sister would kill me! She sill hadn’t forgiven me for that time I let him watch Boobie Life! Suddenly a demonic force pushed me back on the couch preventing me from stopping the tape. I heard a disembodied voice that sounded like Alf screaming in my ear. “Zuul! Mother Fuckah Zuul!” Jobriath screamed and ran out of the room, apparently he’d heard the same voice from the tape saying something along the lines of “Die Jobriath!” I was forced to sit my ass down and finish watching the tape alone! The scene continued with Skeeter fucking the inflatable clown doll, it was then I realized I’d seen the doll somewhere before. Not on Doug, the clown doll was Mr. Boppo, from the 10th episode of the 3rd season of Rugrats! “Hi I’m Boppo!” The clown doll said as Skeeter continued humping him mercilessly. “I know you are! Honk! Honk!” “Hi I’m Boppo!” “Honk! Honk!” Hi I’m Boppo! “Honk! Honk!” Hi I’m Boppo! The scene repeated for what seemed like a good 12 minutes of Skeeter humping the clown doll before the door flew open with a bang and Skeeter’s dad Joe barged into the room. “So it’s just as I expected!” Joe Valentine roared angrily. “My own sons doing… That thing… You know that thing you do? When you stick your dick into something?” Like in the original show Joe seemed suffering from short-term memory loss. That's not funny it sad! “Fucking? Honk! Honk!” Skeeter said. “Yeah but you’re doing it with a clown!” Joe shouted angrily as he pointed at Mr. Boppo and the camera zoomed in on the clown doll’s face. “Dad, it’s not what you think! Honk! Honk!” Joe’s face turned red with anger as he grabbed Skeeter by the arm and jerked him away from the clown doll! There was a sickening crack as Skeeter screamed in pain, it was as if Joe had pulled his sons arm right out of the socket! “I give the best years of… That thing where you’re alive? You damn kids! This is how you thank me?” “Dad no! Honk! Honk!” Joe pulls out a knife and stabs the Mr. Boppo doll! “Hi I’m Boooooooppooooooooo!” The recorded voice slowed to an inaudible groan as the clown doll deflated. The next scene shows Joe dragging Skeeter from the room and into the hall where he starts beating him with a coat hanger. “Honk!” “Honk!“ “Honk!” “Honk!” Skeeter screamed in pain his eyes growing pink with tears as his father struck him again and again and called him a faggot! And he wasn’t even talking about a cigarette! I was deeply offended by the domestic abuse and the homophobic slurs. I was disheveled, disorientated, disgusted, in short I was NOT a happy camper. “I should have done this thing along… That thing where things happen? Over a course of many years and days and things? And the clock keep track of it… Time! A long time ago!” The scene cut to Joe taking Skeeter by the back of the neck down the hallway to the backyard. Joe took a propane tank off of the grill, and shoved the valve into Skeeter's mouth. The video then went silent for a minute, simply showing the propane valve in Skeets's mouth. When the scene started moving again, Skeeter's eyes slowly close, and a voice was heard. "Buck Strickland, forgive me for using Propane for this." The only problem was that when Joe said this, Joe did not even sound like Billy West, the man who voiced Joe in the show. It sounded like Mike Judge, the creator of King of the Hill doing the voice of Hank Hill! The scene then cut to Joe Valentine, and his younger son Dale sitting on a porch. Joe still had one hand on the propane tank that he used to commit the murder. Joe was staring outward, at no one in particular. What really concerned me was what he said. He looked off into space. “You know, I envy you, your, you know? You’re that thing where you’re not old? And you’re still a kid? Go out, and do something. Do that thing where you go out and stick your thing into someone else’s thing? ‘Cos in the end, we’re all fucked. More or less.” I had no idea what he was talking about! Suddenly Doug walked by the Valentine’s house, he was no longer wearing Mr. Dink’s head he was just walking like nothing had happened. Dale giggled as he saw Doug passing. “Honk! Honk! Big Nose!” The toddler squealed with delight pointing at Doug. Doug looked positively forlorn as he turned to walk away from the child who ridiculed him. “Big Nose! Big Nose! Honk! Honk! Doug big nose!” Suddenly Joe turned to look at Dale. A look of unbridled rage reappeared on Joes reddening face as he reach down and snatched hold of Dale’s wrist and drug him to his feet. “You wanna get more of those twig boys over here? To put your old man in prison? You want them to take you boys away and put you into foster care!?! If I can’t have you know body can!” Once again Joe sounded like Hank Hill as he dragged the screaming child into the house. The next scene Joe is kneeling with his back to the camera in front of a claw foot bathtub. The sound of splashing can be heard. “I didn’t want to do it Dale! God why did you make me do it! You’re a beautiful boy!” Joe was blathering, we see a close-up of his face as tears flood down his cheeks in torrents. “Oh God! Sweet Jesus what have I done! Not my little boy!” The close-up faded into an overhead view of Dale laying in the bathtub. This part really scared the shit out of me. It was a somewhat highly realistic image of the drowned toddler in the bath tub. The reason I say somewhat, is because it looked real but still appeared to be drawn, and not a real person. It was just a realistic cartoon. A cartoon that looked like Barry from The Goldbergs. “Not my little boy!” Joe screamed in agony. “Not my little boy!” The audio repeated. “Not my little boy!” The image of Dale laying in the tub began to suddenly age as his skin began to putrefy and peel from his skull! “Not my little boy!” As the scene continued Joe's cries became more gut wrenching and agonizing. I thought I was about to vomit as the camera zoomed in on the rotting eye sockets of Dale filled with squirming maggots and filthy bath water. “Not my little boy!” I tried to reach for the remote but my whole arm shook in a spasm like a spaghetti string noodle dick before falling limp. I was still powerless and at the mercy of this demonic VHS tape! “Not my little…” The scene abruptly cut to black, there was distortion. I thought with some since of relief the show had finally ended, boy was I wrong! The whole thing started up again! The next scene showed Doug walking into his house, his mom ran into the room a worried look on her face. “Honey you’re late! Your dad’s boss is coming to dinner tonight!” “You mean the President of the Honker Burger?” Doug said staring awkwardly into the camera. “Quick honey we have to go into the kitchen and get things ready. Mr. Swirly is still here, we have to get him out of here before the President get here! You know how much he hates Mr. Swirly and his Liberal ice-cream.” Mr. Swirly was a minor character in the original show who owned an ice-cream factory in Bluffington, why would he be in the Funnie’s kitchen? Why had this happened to me, I was still sitting there limp as a dishrag on the couch unable to move. I couldn’t even close my eyes. This fucking tape. Like a rubber-neck giraffe, it look into my past. Well maybe I was just too blind to – see. The next scene cuts to the kitchen, our first look at Mr. Swirly, horrifying. The elderly mustachioed man with purple skin and white hair shaped like a glob of soft serve ice-cream is collapsed in a broken heap in the corner of the Funnie’s kitchen, his leg is connected to the oven, tightly bound in barbwire, digging into his ankle cutting off the blood circulation to his foot. Mr. Swirly’s face is twisted into a look of excruciating pain, his eyes clinched shut as he seems to be choking back vomit. Doug’s dog Porkchop lay dead on the floor beside Mr. Swirly. Porchop was bloated, he’d been dead for days. Bone stuck out of necrotic ulcers crawling with maggots, his eyes were sunken, shriveled raisins in black oozing sockets, flies swarmed around his decomposing corpse. Mr. Swirly was crying. All over the kitchen lay half melted containers of ce-cream and frozen yogurt. Now I understood what had transpired in this house, Doug’s family kidnapped Mr. Swirly and stolen all his ice-cream! The family had been holding Mr. Swirly captive, the old ice cream man had survived on the rotting flesh of the Funnie’s dead dog! Mr. Swirly whispered in a barely audible voice, a voice that sounded like the combination of Winnie the Pooh and Michael Jackson at a child’s birthday party. “Please, let me die. I don’t want to live in a world like this anymore.” I felt so sorry for Mr. Swirly. He seemed like such a nice old man, and those scum bags had imprisoned him and stole his Ice-cream! No body deserved this treatment, except for maybe Jim Jinkins, the sick bastard who’d made this cartoon, or Ray Romano. Fuck Ray I fuckin’ hate him. “WWaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!” Suddenly Mr. Swirly’s face contorted into a look of utter abject agony as he let out a shill ear piercing scream. I went to raise my hands to my ears so as to block out the sound but my arms were still quivering like Jell-O, fucking useless! My ears where still ringing when Mr. Swirly Took another deep breath. I tried to brace myself the next scream! “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!Glalergurgurl!Gurlg!Blurg!Glurglglglgl!” The scream drowned into a fit of gargling as bile welled up in the back of Mr. Swily’s throat and he began to violently regurgitate half-digested food all over Porkchop’s dead body! “Bleeregerpllrrrrheeerlllpmeeeeer!” Mr. Swirly doubled over in pain as the fountain of vomit continued to spout from his mouth pooling on the floor around the dogs corpse for what seemed like several minutes before he finally fell over on his side and dry heaved a few times before his eyes rolled back in his head and he began frothing at the mouth as if were having a seizure of some sort. My heart positively ached for Mr. Swirly, I wanted to help him but he was a cartoon and not a real person at all. I couldn’t help a cartoon, he was just a series of drawings brought to life by Jim Jinkins, the creator of Doug; it was hopeless. Doug came in and looked at Mr. Swirly, he just, stared and said nothing. He didn’t try to help Mr. Swirly or get him medical attention. He didn’t even go to find someone who cared! “Honker Honker Funnie Family!!!” Doug’s father ran excitedly into the room waving his hands in the air. Suddenly the studio audience let out an extravagant cheer, there was no studio audience in Doug! Doug’s father was dancing around as something, daggled between his legs. It took me a moment to realize, the artist had drawn Doug’s dad without pants and his junk hanging out! But the strange thing was that Doug’s father lacked normal human gentiles, dangling between Phil Funnie’s legs was a smaller version of his son’s head! The Doug head that protruded from Phi’s groin bore an expression of shock and surprise, I was shocked and surprised I can tell you that much! A villainous look appeared on Phil Funnie, (that was Doug’s dad’s) face as he crept over to where Mr. Swirly lay. “Well Mr. Swirly, looks like you’ve been beat. We’re finally going to make this Country Funnie again and there’s nothing you can do to stop us!” Phil giggled before leaning over and whispering into Mr. Swirly’s ear. “You’re lifestyle is an abomination Swirly. It’s time for the return of American values...” Mr. Swirly wasn’t moving anymore, he was dead. Phil spun around and screamed. “Doug help me get this trash out of my sight!” Doug didn’t say anything he just walked over and helped Phil Funnie pick up Mr. Swirly’s body off the floor they then carried his body across the room where they spent the next three minutes struggling to cram Swirly’s body into the freezer. That part really disturbed me. You could hear the cracking of bones as they twisted and contorted limbs and crammed the body into the tiny opening of the freezer. When all was said and done they showed the broken corpse of Mr. Swirly like a twisted bloody pretzel crammed inside the freezer, his eyes were now two Xs, his skin was blue and he had icicles forming on his face and in his mustache. “It’s time for some grub!” Phil Funnie proclaimed as he enthusiastically rubbed his hands together. “What’s for dinner dad?” Doug asked. “Your favorite, Liver and Onions!” Wait, that wasn’t right! Doug hated Liver and Onions, they said so on the show! “Oh boy liver and Onions! Mmmm! Mmmm!” Doug said sounding slightly, insincere as he rubbed his tummy with joy. “Not just any liver and onions! Its Capybara Liver broiled in onions and stuffed with white roe!” Now in case you don’t know a Capybara is a type of large rodent native to the Amazon river in South America, white roe are the male reproductive organs of fish, they’re fish testicles. A Capybara when it boils down to it is just a big rat and liver is guts. Most fish house their testicles inside their body along with all the other internal organs, so in essence what the Funnies were eating was Rat Guts, with Fish Guts in it! The scene cut to Doug’s family gathered around the dining room table preparing to glut themselves on the repulsive meal Doug’s mother had just prepaid in the kitchen where moments ago Mr. Swirly had died. “Where’s granpa?” Doug’s sister Judy asked. Suddenly the door that led from the kitchen into the dining room swung open and an enormous hairy Neanderthal like creature ducked into the room. It took me a moment to register what I was seeing, the creature was and enormous humanoid with bloated hairy forearms connected to scrawny stick like biceps. It had a huge barrel chest, a hairy groid and a tiny round balled head, its face was just a pair of beady black eyes and a long nose that looked like slightly phallic. This wasn’t a character from Doug, it was one of the goons for the old Popeye the Sailorman cartoon! Indeed the Goons of Goon Island had been some of Popeye the Sailorman’s most hated enemies, ranking right up there with Bluto and the Japs. I can say Japs, it’s OK for me to say it because I have a Japanese girlfriend who’s real and not made up and she said it makes her moist as a snack cake when I use the word. Japs. The brutish creature shambled over to the table where it took a seat next to Doug, the camera centered on Doug and the Goon setting side by side as the words, “Hideous Progenitor” appeared on the screen in Comic Sans font, my how I hate that font. “The president is here!” Phil proclaimed as he leapt up from the table and ran from the room, his tiny Doug head wang bouncing between his legs. Doug’s dad ran into the main foyer of the house and flung open the door. “Come in Mr. President!” Phil held the door open and Robert "Bob" White, the Mayor of Bluffington stepped through the front door. “Ah, Phil it’s a pleasure to be here! I can’t wait to meet you’re lovely family! Vote for me!” Mayor White took Phil Funnies hand and began shaking it warmly. Mayor White was was one of the few characters in this god forsaken episode who actually sounded like he was voice by the original voice actor from the show. In the show Mayor White was voiced Greg Lee, who was the host of the PBS game show, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I know that because I read the Doug wiki. His voice sounded similar to George Herbert Walker Bush. I was a little confused as to why they were calling Him “the President”, it was the same character, as the Mayor, same voice same orange skin, exact same appearance as he appeared in every episode he’d appeared in on the actual show. He even had the same wig that seemed to be having trouble staying on his head, but there was something different. The wig was blond like a really nasty piss colored blonde. His suit was a darker navy blue than the one he typically wore in the show and his tie was red. Well I didn’t think much about it until Phil said. “Welcome to our home President Trump!” What the Fuck! President Trump? He was the Mayor! Mayor Robert “Bob” White! What the fuck was this show! I think I should mention that at the time I was watching this show it was back in 2009 and the idea of Donald Yohann Trumph becoming president was nothing more than an absurd joke by Simson's Creator Matt Groening. So this had me, quite confused. Well when election night 2016 finally rolled around I can tell you one thing for sure, I wished I had held on to the VHS tape. And that I hadn’t been killed by a deranged clown. The next few minutes was the same old shit, Phil Funnie sucking up to Mayor President “Bob” Trump and the President remind Phil to “Vote for Me!” The president took out a red baseball cap with white lettering that read “Grab America By the Honkers!” And placed it on Phil's head. Phil was delighted. "I'll never take it off!" The next scene showed Doug sitting on the couch in the living room with his mom and Judy as Phil led the “President” into the room. “Bob” seemed to be suffering from some sort of heat stroke, he was walking unnaturally and seemed to struggle to move as he staggered into the room a fell over the arm of the couch. “No Mr. President Don’t.” Still in a disorientated state the Mayor reached over and grabbed Judy Funnie by the vagina and started aggressively fondling her clitoris! Doug tried to hold the Mayor back but “Bob” just ignored him and continued fingering Judy who was seeming trance like state. Judy seemed unable to move as her body quiver in ecstasy. “Stop it Mr. President! Stop it! Judy’s a minor! No! Stop! Don’t! No! Stop! Stop! Stop!” “You can do whatever you want when you’re President! Grab em by the pussy! And the Honkers too!” With this the “President” reached his other hand up and began groping Judy’s breast! As he did so a hoking sound emitted from Judy's breast! Doug’s mom buried her face in her palms and began to cry before Doug’s dad told her to “Shut the hell up!” “Vote for me!” The President exclaimed as his wig flew into the air revealing his bald head. The President then leapt over the arm of the couch and Judy’s lap and began choking Doug! “See Dougy boy! This is what happened when you live in town full of clown! A town where all the folks are painted different colors and go around actin’ the fool! When clowns are allowed to vote things get honkey! And the biggest clown of all get elected to the highest public office! Honker Honker Doug!” Doug squealed pathetically as the President gripped his throat tightly crushing his wind pipe. Doug’s dad laughed manically! “Honker Honker!” He shouted. Doug’s mom was still crying but she did nothing to stop her son’s murder, Judy was still spasming in the trawls of a massive orgasm on the couch next to Doug as the “President” leaned over her lap chocking her little brother to death. “Long live America! Land of the Free. And Home of the Honker!” Doug’s eyes slowly began to close. The screen faded to black, the next scene showed Doug hanging by a noose from the sign outside of the Honker Burger, it was raining and storming. Lighting illuminated a cardboard sign that hung from Doug’s neck. The sign read “Make America Great Again. Grab America By the Honkers!” The tape ended and I found myself once again able to move. I didn’t hesitate I got up and took to tape into the kitchen and threw it in the garbage disposal! At the time I didn’t know what was to come. I didn’t know what the VHS tape meant or of the seed of Evil Jim Jinkins had planted. Doug was a show about a white boy living in a town full of colorful people, it was a tapestry of harmony and acceptance. That’s what they wanted you to believe, the truth is that Bluffington is and always was a town of fucking clowns! Intolerant bigoted clowns! Oh they’ll accept you alright, as long as you fit the mold of what they wanted you to be, a big nosed buffoon, a honker that puts on a show for the American public to glut their eyes with just as they glut their mouths with delicious pizza dough chunks and so much candy. Cotton Candy. Like the kind you get at the circus, where the clowns are! Have you notice how clowns as mascots are disappearing from our society? Ronald Mc Donald has been replaced by a fucking anthropomorphic Happy Meal Box. The Golden Flakes Clown who was once displayed on the back of ever Bag of Golden Flakes Potatoes Chips reminding you not to litter, he’s gone too. Perhaps we’ve come to a place in our society where clowns are no longer needed, after all who needs a clown when everyone around is a clown? Painting their skin, distorting their faces and performing in the public eye for a good chuckle! Jim Jinkins, Matt Groining do you think it’s a coincidence that they knew that a clown would be elected to the highest public office. No, they engineered the whole thing! Didn’t you ever think it odd that the Simpsons had yellow skin? That’s not a normal skin color! And don’t call me racist against Asians because I have and Japanese girlfriend, her skin isn't fucking yellow like a street sign! The Simpsons are clowns just like all the people in Doug! They painted their skin silly colors as part of a farcical religious ceremony dating back to ancient Britain. The Anglo Saxons painted their faces white put on big red noses and orange wigs to mock the drunken Celts who’s lands they’d stolen! And that’s what clowns do, they steal other peoples land and then they dress up in silly costumes to mock and ridicule them, why do you think the founding fathers wore those stupid curly white wigs and dressed like Indians at the Boston tea party? It was what the Brits refer to as Fancy Dress! This is all an evil conspiracy by the cabal of homicide clowns in Hollywood who want to turn all nations against one another with their stupid antics! They want you to be afraid of them, they want to laugh at you, all of you! If only I’d know how they’d used Nickelodeon to brainwash the American public and bring them around to their way of thinking, to regard all humanity as the butt of a fucking joke. I could have stopped them, now the clowns are in control and it’s all my fault. If I hadn’t destroyed that tape I could have proven the truth to you all but now all you have is my word and by the time you read this I’ll be dead. After I destroyed the tape I went to Nickelodeon studios to demand to know what they were doing, but when I got to my car… A clown popped out The End Category:Lost Episodes Category:SillyPasta Article Category:CreepyPasta Article